Freddie the Squirrel was a happy squirrel. He spent his days running amok the streets of Missoula, MT, gathering, collecting, pilfering, and all in all just having a good ol' time. Yes, it seemed life was perfect for Freddie. No natural enemies around to stalk him, plenty of food, more trees than he could ever climb, and lots of girly squirrels to jump on at random. Yes, things were good... almost too good.

Though he wasn't aware of it, Freddie was a very hyperactive squirrel. His heart rate was 70% faster than that of a normal small woodland creature, and everywhere he went, we ran full on. His parents, Joe  and Chloe, were worried that one day he'd have a heart attack. Freddie always told them "nch fch dch nch stch," which of course meant "Don't worry about it. I'm fine." But things were not fine for Freddie. You see, Freddie was also very easily scared. Everything frightened him. Rain, dogs, vehciles, anthrax, people, and even such trivial things as global warming found a way to sneak up on him and scare the living daylights out of him, which was hard, because he was scared of daylight too. But so far, he'd survived every encounter.

That is, until he met Helen Keller. One day, while running through a yard, Freddie suddenly stopped short, and viewed quite possible the most horrific sight of his life. There she stood, menacingly, head tilted sort of to the side, her jaw not quite exactly matching up. Freddie froze in horror. She was an abomination! Then Helen said "Durghbhgbg!"

Freddie died on the spot. Helen investigated...



Yes, Freddie had died. Of fright.

Helen Keller did the only thing she knew how to do...

She ate him.



And that, my friends, is the story of how Helen Keller got fat.

THE END